Being single in today’s culture can be a difficult and lonely road. Often
enough, the mentality in Christian culture can actually make this even…worse.
In fact, a few opinions shared within the church to pre-teens, teenagers, and
young adults about being single have the potential to harm us, rather than help
us. On top of this, the devil injects even more lies into our heads, making
things even more convoluted.
So today, I’m
going to present you with a few misconceptions that we collect from others and
from ourselves about being single. Here we go…
1. Just “wait”, and
the right person will come to you.
While this is probably a true
statement, as most people get married in their lives, the mentality behind it
doesn’t seem at all helpful for us.
See, if you are a poor, lost
princess stuck in a tower and your only way to leave your confinement is to be
rescued by a prince, then this statement applies to you.
If you are a young, dashing prince
and your only way to ascend to your rightful throne is to get married and you
insist on waiting for true love (as all of them usually do), then this
statement applies to you.
But, I don’t think any of us could
fit one of these two descriptions. In fact, we fit an opposite description. 2
Corinthians 3:17 tells us that we are already free. Romans 8:17 reminds us that
we are already joint-heirs to the kingdom of God. So consequently, there is
absolutely no reason for us to be stuck inside our towers of waiting, singing
“When Will My Life Begin?”, because our lives have already begun. We live
through Christ and through all of the incredible things He has planned for us
TODAY.
2. If you’ve managed to
stay single, despite culture and peer pressure, then you’ve shown yourself to
be stronger than those who aren’t.
I know I told the following story
a few years ago, but I’ll tell it again…
One of my friends teaches
elementary school. Whenever one of her students says a phrase like, “that’s not
fair!” or “why don’t I get what she has?” etc. etc, she will respond with a
very powerful phrase: “you do you”. Here’s the thing, often enough, this
misconception about being single comes from the same root as the complaints
from those elementary-age kids: someone has something that we don’t have. So,
we become bitter and jealous, and mask these ugly emotions by feeling superior
to those who aren’t single. It’s a horrible cycle and it creates some terrible
baggage, such as dogmatism and self-righteousness. I think Satan absolutely
loves it when we get onto this slippery slope of superiority, because it
completely cripples us from our pressing mission here on earth, which is to
love others (John 13:34-35). And what if someone who is currently in a
relationship needs you to show them Christ’s love just as much as someone who
is single? If we are too busy feeling contempt against them, then we completely
miss the opportunity. In the end, “you do you” applies for this too. Each
person is different and each person is on a different path. If someone else’s
path happens to have a relationship in it and yours doesn’t, then that’s
perfectly fine. We as the body of Christ have been called to support and love everyone
around us, regardless of their relationship status.
3. You’re a martyr because you’ve continued to
“wait”, so you deserve something to satisfy yourself while you’re waiting.
Again, this relates back to
misconception #2; you don’t have something that someone else has. So as a
result of this mentality, you try to find a substitution. We feel entitled to
things that will “fill” the holes in our hearts that come with not having a
someone. They become “fall backs”, or temporary fixes to camp on when we aren’t
in a relationship. Here’s the huge issue: when we begin to lean on these “fall
backs”, we start to idolize them. A few examples of them include: leaning on feelings
of superiority (see misconception #2), binge-watching romantic movies or
reading romantic books, visiting porn sites, letting fantasies run unbridled in
your head, or the like. Okay, so I’m not trying to say that it’s inherently wrong
to watch romantic movies. We just need to remember 2 Timothy 2:22. And I’ll be honest
here before I quote the verse; this is a tough thing to think about and I used
to hate it a lot. But, it has the potential to truly change us.
Here it is: “Run from anything
that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness,
love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with
pure hearts.” (NLT)
We need to run from anything that
stimulates the fleeting desires in this area of our lives. But, the important
thing to realize: each person has a different “fall back”. So, we need to ask
God to give us the wisdom to know what our “fall back” is, and the courage to
take whatever actions are required to stop idolizing it.
4. Jesus can be your “significant other”.
Maybe you haven’t heard this
misconception presented in this exact way, but you’ve probably run into it in
other ways. Have you ever read a book about relationships from a Christian
point-of-view and heard the statement “God will fulfill your desires” or the
command that “Jesus should be your everything”? In actuality, these statements
seem to imply that Jesus can, in fact, be your “significant other”. Yes, the
general ideas behind both of these statements are true; God can fulfill desires
and Jesus should be our everything. But, when both of these statements are
presented in response to the aching, consuming feelings of loneliness and
frustration that accompany being single, they seem rather lame and unhelpful.
So, here’s the real truth: God will never actually “fill” that hole in your
heart. If you are hungry for a donut while you’re on a fast from sugary foods,
God cannot literally fill your desire for that oily, powdery taste of donuts.
I’m sorry to break this news to you, but God doesn’t taste like donuts.
Instead, (assuming that you are doing said fast in response to a calling from
Him) He will probably do two things:
1-Redirect your focus from wanting
that donut onto bigger and better things
2- Give you
peace while you’re at it
You will never fully lose your
desire to eat a donut, but the desire will be VEILED and God will give you the
strength to refocus. In the same way, your desire to have companionship in a
significant other will never really be taken away by God. No matter how much
you pray or read your Bible, you won’t be able to make it completely go away. Because
think about it. God planted that desire in your heart Himself (go read Song of
Songs if you don’t believe me). So He won’t just erase it all completely. He
has plans to somehow use those wants for good, whether it be to teach you or to
allow you to truly love someone else someday. But, as Psalm 29:11 says, “The
LORD gives his people strength. The LORD blesses them with peace.” (NLT)
That’s what He’ll give each of us
when we seek Him: strength and peace. And soon enough, the desire to have a
someone will still be present, but it will feel a lot smaller in the light of
His glory and grace.
And there you have it. Four
misconceptions. Being single isn’t an easy road; that’s for certain. But, God
didn’t call us to an “easy” life; He has called us to a full and joy-filled
life. The less we focus on our “fall backs” and the more we focus on our
mission right now as Christ-followers, the better we will feel about the whole
entire thing.
Single or not single, life is
good, y’all. Not because our desires are muted completely, but because we have our
hope in Him.
