Who am I?- a testimony

Circa 2011, 9th grade

If anyone tells you that transitioning from high school to college is an easy process, they are wrong; I’m just saying this straight out. These last few months as I’ve transitioned into life as a full-time university student have been rough- emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. But, why were they so hard? What was so painful about transitioning and changing? I’ve pinpointed it: the difficulty was my identity. Today, I want to share my last few months and some breakthroughs I’ve had, in a testimony-style of writing. In other words, this is a very personal blog post, with a focus on what God has taught me as a person. I hope that it will benefit you all, as I’m sure that what I’ve felt and experienced over the last few months is not unique to my situation.

At every stage of life for as long as I can remember, I’ve had a very specified identity. In elementary school, I was the crazy animal-loving girl (my brother and I owned more pets than we can even comprehend as we look back). Middle school years, I was the upcoming entrepreneur, videotaping and taking pictures of my classmates, editing it all into videos, then selling them DVDs of themselves. Early high school, I was the “Asian”: I learned how to write Chinese characters, wore all sorts of Japanese pop culture accessories (hair bows, animal hats, etc.), obsessed over Hello Kitty, and even “dated” a guy who was part Japanese (another story for another day, yes).

My identity in late high school is the most vivid memory for me, obviously. At the end of this May- my senior year- I was at the top of the leadership program in my school, known there for my clerical skills, strong spiritual life, and ability to start eccentric trends amongst my friends. In marching band, I was one of the only girls in the drum line, which were considered the “cool kids”. I took great pride in my position there, as the friend of every well-liked guy in the drum line and an influential force in the trends that went in and out of band.

But, this year, everything changed. When I look back at the emotion of the past few months, I get a mental image of the saying “I got the rug pulled out from under me”. I was standing solidly on my identity as a strong leader and a popular, but capable teenager. Then, the rug was pulled away and I fell onto the ground, having to start from scratch. None of my previous identities would work for college life. I obviously couldn’t be an outspoken spiritual leader in the classes at my public university, I couldn’t be the cool drummer kid when I really was terrible at playing percussion compared to the other talents at the school, I couldn’t start eccentric trends because I didn’t have any solid friend groups among which to start them. There was nothing left.

On top of all of this, I was (and still am) a little fish in an ocean of people. I hardly ever saw the same people in more than one class and I was coming into contact with hundreds of people every day at school. So, this gave me little to no leverage in forming a projected identity to others, since they only saw me for two hours per week, in the context of a classroom.

Since I based so much of my life on my identity, I felt lost for the entire summer (while anticipating the start of school) and for most of August. I actually used to sit in my room after I got home from school, crying and longing to go back to my marching band and leadership days, more than anything in the world. Nothing felt constant anymore. Marching band and the leadership program simply continued on without me, so I began to feel replaced and unneeded in that way too.

But, God taught me something through this process, as He always does. As Christ-followers, we’re always told something that goes like this, “we change, the world around us changes, but God will never change.”
I used to take this as a trite statement, until this year. See, I was creating a problem for myself in high school; I was basing my identity on movable, changeable things. That was why it was so devastating for me to lose them. But now that the rug has been pulled from underneath my feet and I have no other fallback, I’ve learned to rely on the only thing that won’t change: Jesus Christ, my Savior and Lord.

Last night, I was reading through Colossians and one particular passage showed me what it looks like to apply the concept of relying on Jesus to identity. In other words, what will it look like when my projected identity is Jesus? Here’s the passage:
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience…And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
Colossians 3:12, 14

Everything makes sense now. I can’t just go into a college classroom and be known by my music skills, my friends, my trend setting abilities, or anything like that. But now, it doesn’t even seem worthwhile to have my classmates and acquaintances know me as “the Hello Kitty girl” (heaven forbid) or the “percussionist girl”, as I was once known. Now, I want them to know me by something different: my LOVE. I want them to look back on me, maybe just as a classmate that they only knew for one semester or maybe as a longer term acquaintance/friend, and remember me as being compassionate, kind, humble, meek, patient, and full of love. I want them to see me as having an unearthly ability to do all of these things, outside my own nature and dependent on Someone who transcends understanding and means more to me than life itself.

And when my feet are firmly planted on God’s unchanging grace, I will be able to go anywhere and do anything, because I’ll know that He’s there, every step of the way.

The Desert of My Mind

This blog post is about to reveal a lesson that I learned over the summer. But, I learned these lessons the hard way. So, the point of today is to warn you all about a danger that I ran right into, that way, you will be able to take preventative measures and avoid my mistakes.
Here’s what the problem is: thoughts. Now, you may be wondering why this is such a big deal, since thoughts just stay in your head, obviously. Well, I have discovered quite the opposite: thoughts are the roots for absolutely everything, both good and evil.

A good friend and I are currently studying Jeremiah and we came to an interesting conclusion while reading Jeremiah 13:15-27, which is entitled “A Warning Against Pride” in my NLT Bible. First off, in this passage, we realized that God’s biggest “pet peeves” were not outward displays of evil, but seemingly subtle things, like arrogance (v. 15) and lust (v. 27). These sins that God seemed to despise so much were in the mind, not outwardly displayed.
Then, my friend and I started to discuss an interesting idea: God hates these types of sins because they are the roots to all other sins. To continue exploring our idea, my friend and I flipped to a yucky passage, Galatians 5:19-20, that I like to nickname the Anti-Fruits of the Spirit.
Here it is,
“When you follow the desires of your sinful, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these.”
Did you see what all of those have in common? My friend and I did, and we got pretty excited, because it’s a whole new angle of looking at God's word.
All of these sins have a common root: the mind. And that’s the reason why the Bible has SO MUCH commentary about pride, lust, jealousy, and other sins that don’t seem to be “visible”; God knows that we need to aim for the root first to conquer our sins. This is why thoughts are so vital.

 Jesus also discussed this phenomenon in this infamous passage:
“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Matthew 5:27-28
If adultery can start in the mind, what else can? The possibilities are endless and it’s terrifying. But, how do we defeat Satan’s weapons of mass destruction within our brains?

Well, while I was facing my own mind battles this summer, I began to think about a fantastic song by one of my favorite bands, Twenty One Pilots. This song actually presents a very clear solution to the problems at hand. First, here's a bit of background: I had known about this song for about a year, but about a month ago, my brother shed new light on the lyrics, explaining how they seemed closely connected to concepts about God and His saving grace in our thought lives. This isn’t a surprise, as the lead singer of the band, Tyler Joseph, is a professed Christian. The song is entitled “Addict with a Pen” and it comes from Twenty One Pilot’s self-titled debut album. The chorus starts out,
“Hello
We haven't talked in quite some time
I know
I haven't been the best
Of sons
Hello
I've been traveling in
The desert of my mind
And I
Haven't found a drop
Of life
I haven't found a drop
Of you
I haven't found a drop
I haven't found a drop
Of water”

That line, “traveling in the desert of my mind” is such a potent image. You’ve probably felt it as I have. Not only are destructive thought patterns dangerous, but they also engulf us, become a horrible, addictive reality for us, very comparable to a desert. In many ways, thoughts can become an idol. We can build various “mind shrines” in our brains, ultimately worshipping our sin-filled, unbridled thoughts by obsessing over them.
 So, we end up wandering through the deserts of our minds, looking for some type of sustenance. But, sin is death, so naturally, we won’t find “a drop of life” or “of you” (God) amongst it all. Towards the end of this emotion-filled song, TOP presents us with the ultimate solution of it all:
“But you specialize in dying
You hear me screaming
Father
And I'm lying here just crying
So wash me with your water”.
This is the solution that will conquer the darkness in our minds: being washed by God’s grace and love. More specifically, the solution to the thought battles is cleansing our minds with Him. Notice that at the beginning of “Addict with a Pen”, Tyler Joseph says, “Hello, we haven’t talked in quite some time. I know I haven’t been the best of sons…”
We cleanse our minds by doing what the hypothetical speaker in the song didn't do: spending time with God (“talking” to Him). "Spending time with God" could involve delving into His word to renew our minds (Romans 12:2) or even serving others for His glory and our fulfillment (Proverbs 11:25). If we are doing this, then we won’t resort to wandering in the deserts of our minds.

Yes, this is all so cliché. But, it makes perfect sense, as God's ways always do. See, if we develop a deep relationship with God and stick with Him, even when we aren’t “emotionally inclined” to do so, He will present us with mini-solutions along the way, that are specific to each of our unique problems. In response to my personal struggles, He prompted me to cut out certain TV shows and habits. Often, these things weren’t even inherently bad, but they were triggers for me to turn inward, to my “mind shrines”.
Even though these decisions in my life appeared to be acts of deprivation, in the end, they weren’t. Making choices as God prompts us aren’t His ways of punishing us or taking away things that we enjoy. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. He wants us to have lives full of joy and purpose (John 10:10), so He will give us the conviction and strength to remove anything that inhibits us from living the lives He wants for each of us. And that makes the difficult and often painful removal process all worth it.
But, at the end of the day, even when we do mess up or get lost in the desert, we don't need to be afraid. He will always reach down and pick us up again with endless grace and love, when we call out to Him, our Father.

Misconceptions about Being Single

Being single in today’s culture can be a difficult and lonely road. Often enough, the mentality in Christian culture can actually make this even…worse. In fact, a few opinions shared within the church to pre-teens, teenagers, and young adults about being single have the potential to harm us, rather than help us. On top of this, the devil injects even more lies into our heads, making things even more convoluted.

 So today, I’m going to present you with a few misconceptions that we collect from others and from ourselves about being single. Here we go…

1. Just “wait”, and the right person will come to you.

While this is probably a true statement, as most people get married in their lives, the mentality behind it doesn’t seem at all helpful for us.

See, if you are a poor, lost princess stuck in a tower and your only way to leave your confinement is to be rescued by a prince, then this statement applies to you.

If you are a young, dashing prince and your only way to ascend to your rightful throne is to get married and you insist on waiting for true love (as all of them usually do), then this statement applies to you.

But, I don’t think any of us could fit one of these two descriptions. In fact, we fit an opposite description. 2 Corinthians 3:17 tells us that we are already free. Romans 8:17 reminds us that we are already joint-heirs to the kingdom of God. So consequently, there is absolutely no reason for us to be stuck inside our towers of waiting, singing “When Will My Life Begin?”, because our lives have already begun. We live through Christ and through all of the incredible things He has planned for us TODAY.

2.  If you’ve managed to stay single, despite culture and peer pressure, then you’ve shown yourself to be stronger than those who aren’t.

I know I told the following story a few years ago, but I’ll tell it again…

One of my friends teaches elementary school. Whenever one of her students says a phrase like, “that’s not fair!” or “why don’t I get what she has?” etc. etc, she will respond with a very powerful phrase: “you do you”. Here’s the thing, often enough, this misconception about being single comes from the same root as the complaints from those elementary-age kids: someone has something that we don’t have. So, we become bitter and jealous, and mask these ugly emotions by feeling superior to those who aren’t single. It’s a horrible cycle and it creates some terrible baggage, such as dogmatism and self-righteousness. I think Satan absolutely loves it when we get onto this slippery slope of superiority, because it completely cripples us from our pressing mission here on earth, which is to love others (John 13:34-35). And what if someone who is currently in a relationship needs you to show them Christ’s love just as much as someone who is single? If we are too busy feeling contempt against them, then we completely miss the opportunity. In the end, “you do you” applies for this too. Each person is different and each person is on a different path. If someone else’s path happens to have a relationship in it and yours doesn’t, then that’s perfectly fine. We as the body of Christ have been called to support and love everyone around us, regardless of their relationship status.

3.    You’re a martyr because you’ve continued to “wait”, so you deserve something to satisfy yourself while you’re waiting.

Again, this relates back to misconception #2; you don’t have something that someone else has. So as a result of this mentality, you try to find a substitution. We feel entitled to things that will “fill” the holes in our hearts that come with not having a someone. They become “fall backs”, or temporary fixes to camp on when we aren’t in a relationship. Here’s the huge issue: when we begin to lean on these “fall backs”, we start to idolize them. A few examples of them include: leaning on feelings of superiority (see misconception #2), binge-watching romantic movies or reading romantic books, visiting porn sites, letting fantasies run unbridled in your head, or the like. Okay, so I’m not trying to say that it’s inherently wrong to watch romantic movies. We just need to remember 2 Timothy 2:22. And I’ll be honest here before I quote the verse; this is a tough thing to think about and I used to hate it a lot. But, it has the potential to truly change us.

Here it is: “Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.” (NLT)

We need to run from anything that stimulates the fleeting desires in this area of our lives. But, the important thing to realize: each person has a different “fall back”. So, we need to ask God to give us the wisdom to know what our “fall back” is, and the courage to take whatever actions are required to stop idolizing it.

4.    Jesus can be your “significant other”.

Maybe you haven’t heard this misconception presented in this exact way, but you’ve probably run into it in other ways. Have you ever read a book about relationships from a Christian point-of-view and heard the statement “God will fulfill your desires” or the command that “Jesus should be your everything”? In actuality, these statements seem to imply that Jesus can, in fact, be your “significant other”. Yes, the general ideas behind both of these statements are true; God can fulfill desires and Jesus should be our everything. But, when both of these statements are presented in response to the aching, consuming feelings of loneliness and frustration that accompany being single, they seem rather lame and unhelpful. So, here’s the real truth: God will never actually “fill” that hole in your heart. If you are hungry for a donut while you’re on a fast from sugary foods, God cannot literally fill your desire for that oily, powdery taste of donuts. I’m sorry to break this news to you, but God doesn’t taste like donuts. Instead, (assuming that you are doing said fast in response to a calling from Him) He will probably do two things:

1-Redirect your focus from wanting that donut onto bigger and better things

2- Give you peace while you’re at it

You will never fully lose your desire to eat a donut, but the desire will be VEILED and God will give you the strength to refocus. In the same way, your desire to have companionship in a significant other will never really be taken away by God. No matter how much you pray or read your Bible, you won’t be able to make it completely go away. Because think about it. God planted that desire in your heart Himself (go read Song of Songs if you don’t believe me). So He won’t just erase it all completely. He has plans to somehow use those wants for good, whether it be to teach you or to allow you to truly love someone else someday. But, as Psalm 29:11 says, “The LORD gives his people strength. The LORD blesses them with peace.” (NLT)

That’s what He’ll give each of us when we seek Him: strength and peace. And soon enough, the desire to have a someone will still be present, but it will feel a lot smaller in the light of His glory and grace.

And there you have it. Four misconceptions. Being single isn’t an easy road; that’s for certain. But, God didn’t call us to an “easy” life; He has called us to a full and joy-filled life. The less we focus on our “fall backs” and the more we focus on our mission right now as Christ-followers, the better we will feel about the whole entire thing.

Single or not single, life is good, y’all. Not because our desires are muted completely, but because we have our hope in Him.

Microscopic Things and the Meaning of Existence

After attending a science-focused school and being part of its leadership team for three years, I've had my share of thrilling experiences known as...dissections. Throughout my schooling career, I have cut up and observed no less than an earthworm, a frog, a fish, a shark, a squid, and a cat. Now, if you aren't that keen on hearing details about my cutting-up-dead-animal adventures, don't worry, because I'm not going to describe them that much.
But, I wanted to share a thought that hit me a few days ago, while working on a dissection. As part of my Anatomy class, I've had to work on a year-long cat dissection. After spending about half a year on the outside of the cat, observing muscles, we finally moved to the cat's insides. At first, this area was really grossing me out. Just the whole concept of working on a dead animal isn't pleasant, to be honest, and I was feeling rather queasy.
Then suddenly, it hit me. The little creature once had life in it, every organ that I was examining functioned perfectly. Once, it had lived, it had breathed, it had moved. I don't mean this in a sad way. In fact, I was suddenly filled with awe and wonder at God's handiwork. And it made me realize something. All of the processes that I was thinking about in that moment were happening within ME, and they are still happening in each and every one of us at every millisecond of our existence.
We are amazing creatures, designed by a Creator. Think about how much has to be perfect for us to even begin to operate.
One huge piece of evidence is our cellular processes. If even a minuscule thing is wrong with one of our cells, that could lead to disastrous results, such as cancer.
See, cells operate and make up tissues, which make up organs, which makes up systems, which make up everything that we can physically do as living creatures.
A few years back, I had the opportunity to go to the Creation Museum in Kentucky. While I was there, a biologist spoke to us and showed us a video called "The Inner Life of the Cell". I might just be weird, but this video was actually moving to me. Even though I am rather slow at understanding scientific concepts and I didn't know what the heck was going on in the video, it was still amazing. Later, I figured out that the process depicted in this video is actually what allows a white blood cell to sense its surroundings, so it can find and destroy "impostors" in our bodies. If it weren't for this process, working perfectly in each of our 4 to 9 billion white blood cells, our bodies wouldn't have any immune systems and we'd probably all just die off, at the drop of a hat. That's incredible isn't it? So, if you haven't happened to see this video, please go watch it now:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJyUtbn0O5Y

What does all of this mean for us? Well, it resonates with Psalm 139:
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it."
Psalm 139:13-14 (NLT)

This passage is incredible. God knows the inter workings of every single CELL within our bodies. He is the one who sets them into motion every millisecond, ensuring that each little organelle is doing its job. But, Psalm 139 doesn't end there...
"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!"
Psalm 139:17-18 (NLT)

So in other words, the Creator of the universe isn't just concerned about the mechanics of you; he also loves and cares about you as a person, with all of your thoughts and dreams and uniqueness.

Basking in this truth can change everything. We are on this earth for a reason. Every one of us. With this much biological wonder working together in each human being, we literally are walking miracles. Consequently, how could we do anything besides serving our Creator and Savior? He truly does know more about each of us than we know about ourselves. I mean, seriously, do you know exactly how each of your organelles in each of your individual cells (there are around 37 trillion cells in a human being) is doing right now? Well, He does. Our God is trustworthy.



A few sources:
http://askabiologist.asu.edu/explore/building-blocks-life
http://www.sciencedaily.com/terms/white_blood_cell.htm

You're in Control- a poem

Tranquil scenery at the retreat center we stayed in

I was just on one of Georgia's beautiful barrier islands last week, to serve as a leader on a middle school retreat. God blessed us with an incredibly wonderful week, especially when He changed the weather forecast from thunderstorms to sunny skies within a day last Tuesday.

But, we had a few bumps in the road throughout the week. During one of those "downs", I wrote this poem and now, I want to share it. Ultimately, I think our success that week came from the fact that all of us on the leadership team was shown this same truth: God is in control and we just need to trust in Him, even when everything around us is chaos. 

You're in control.

The wind brushing through the trees.

You're in control.

The peaceful rippling of the sea.

You're in control.

The clouds parting for the sun.

You're in control.

The presence of Your spirit, O Holy One.

You're in control.

We know there's nothing we can do.

You're in control.

We cry out, bow our heads, to You.

You're in control.

The world is spinning out of our hands.

You're in control.

Your thoughts of us outnumber grains of sand.

You're in control.

Our hope, our rock, our power.

You're in control.

Our strength, our fortress, in every hour.

So we lean

We fall

We collapse

On You

You catch us.

You hold us.

You carry us too.